I Find My Hands Off
by cynthash
Summary: Kristoff wants answers. If he can't have Anna, why not? Who's the reason why? And more importantly, what brought her to that conclusion? Oneshot, from the POV of Kristoff's travelling companion, as he journeys to see why Anna has gotten so hung up on distrusting Hans.


"You know what the funny thing is about my work? Yeah, I get to haul slabs of ice around. My best friend pulls them. You think it's productive? You're one of the entitled morons I do this for, in that case. I'm sorry, I'm being needlessly rude. Let's start this again."

Hi, my name's Kristoff. I haul ice for a living, in a land of a magical Queen that can make ice dance like a ballerina, while I have to haul it all the hard way! Don't get me wrong; I'd be finished, if she hadn't helped me. But then, I lost almost everything because of her, so I think I deserve a break. But I don't think she cares. I don't think anyone in those posh suits cares."

So I go to all this trouble to let her sister bring her to a crucial realization in life, then once everything's over, I get a replacement of what I had before? Don't get me wrong: it's a nice thing, to have a brand new set of equipment all paid for and just waiting for my use. But she could make my 'job' a cushy one, you know? Automated ice harvesting golems come to mind. I guess I appreciate that I get to spend most of my time away from everyone, but it doesn't stop me from thinking that my life was better beforehand."

The real kicker, of course, is that I lost a girlfriend over this. A sweet-smelling, down-to-earth, tough-as-nails, Princess! I mean, I even helped her get her sister back. I'm happy that they're happier... but it's hollow, for me. You see, after about three seconds of thinking a proper Princess, second in line for the throne of Arendelle, was interested in me, she just dashed off to her sister again. What kind of frakking reindeer shit is that? And then her sister has the gall to look me in the eye, and replace my lost trustworthy equipment with new stuff? A spurned heart cannot be swayed by shine and smell, milady. That's all I got too, after nearly losing my life once, then barreling down a mountain to save her from being chained to a man that she says manipulated her. Figuratively, of course."

So anyways, where was I? Oh yeah. Alright, so I save this Princess' life and ensure the safety of Her Majesty, Queen Elsa, right? Then I get a kiss from her sister. The most uninhibited, desperate, pampered, soft, tasty thing in recent memory. Or ever. And then she's gone, to 'skate' with her sister, and I get to watch. What kind of felgercarb is that? I'm sorry for startling you. You okay? Alright, now back to the story."

So, there I am, watching the reunited sisters frolic on this ice. It looks fun, and they're both pretty. No, stop that right now! I didn't mean it like that." _Clears throat_

Well there I am, relishing the sight of all new equipment. I guess when the royal whatnots finally left, I just started realizing that that was all I was given. Yes, and a bag of carrots. And a bullshit title, which I'm pretty sure is nothing, so it's not even a gift, right?"

I start looking around for Anna – yes Ah-nah, you prick. I don't try to name little girls, so whatever. Point is, she's not there. She's off strutting about with her sister, surrounded by big self-important people of all shapes and sizes, generally carrying pointy things of one sort or another. Bah! I think. I'm just getting ready to go back to solitude."

Don't get me wrong; I like Arendelle, I really do. But it's just not the same as being up on a steep cliff, and still looking at it. You know? So I head out as soon as I feel like no one's watching anymore. Free at last, you know!"

So I spent the night in this little clearing, and I wake up with the hardest boner ever. No, I'm not trying to be weird, okay? So what am I going to do with this? I look up, and it looks a Hel of a lot like that redhaired Princess from yesterday. So I figure, I'm dreaming, right? There's no way a lady of any calibre would be all the way out here, looking at me like that. Then again, I'm not a Prince.. ss. So I've got this thing to take care of, but you know what she does? She straddles my hips, and impales herself on me. I mean, I figured she'd be soft, but this was just something else."

Hey, don't look at me like that! Anyways, the story's not over, and that isn't the point. After we're done, she kisses me on the cheek. Yes, on the cheek. And then she just pulls her boots back on, and goes away. Yes, that's right, she leaves without a so much as why. Fine. Wet dreams, ya ken? I get up, and there's not just evidence of her presence everywhere, but I'm wondering just what happened. On the trail back to the city, I think it'd be a good idea to stop by the castle, right? So I finally run into a servant in there, and she has the temerity to look me right in the eye, and tell me the royal sisters are too busy at the moment. And then a guard comes and pulls me out! I fought him all the way, of course, but how much fighting am I going to do with a guard, in the middle of the castle?"

So I pick Anna out of the shadows. She was passing, and I thank all the gods she was there. She giggled, and told the guard to let me go. Then she thanked me, smiled, and ran off with a, "Good to see you're doing well for yourself." Keeping her distance the entire time. Not even a mention of the morning! So I just got myself out as fast as I could, just to get back to my life, you know? Whatever, I don't need a Princess, or Royal titles, and a reward. I have a life, and I'm going back to living it. Happy, Princess?"

So there's gotta be another side to this story about 'Hans', right? I mean, I got no good treatment from the Ice Queen and her sister, so it can't hurt to just listen to the other side, right?"

Well, just getting here is a bitch, and has taken all my life savings. I know, I blew it on a wild goose chase to hear out an admitted arsehole of a Prince, but I've already lost my life. This is my last life's money, and I'm going to spend it on this life, you know? At least some sort of royalty to hear me out, and maybe undo the damage those holier-than-thou two did. Maybe now I can forget about Anna, after seeing what Hans says about her. Maybe she was just playing me all along. Too bad too, because she seemed honest enough, even naive."

"Well, here I am. Will you please direct me to where I can find Prince Hans? Oh, over there? Thank you, good man."

* * *

Kristoff peeked through the barred window of the cell boredly. A hulking form of a man hunched over in the darkness, and the free man felt his pulse begin to pound, and he suddenly felt exposed and slightly out of breath.

With a creaking squeal, the heavy wooden door opened, and Kristoff shuffled in, straining his eyes onto the dark shape before him.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of a visitor from Arendelle?" the man sneered, and glanced at the floor anchor of his cold metal bonds.


End file.
